8/17/2006 12:46:00 AM

escapism

Given that it's past midnight, I have 8 days before I'm flying off to Boston. Overwhelmed by everything. Kind of lost & scared of what is to come. Feel like so many things have been happening that I haven't had the time to sit down and reflect, to take it all in bit by bit.

Met up with the Cedar gang last night to celebrate Qing's very belated birthday and to kinda say 'bye'. Pigged out at NYDC. Was a time of sharing and talking and joking and 'wasting food' (yes Qing, you know what I'm talking about ;) ). It was like we went back in time to secondary school days. Where there weren't any responsibilities or obligations or duties or worries except for stuff like class tests and crushes. There were no expectations from one another, it was as if we were the same silly 14 year olds 7 years ago. It was fun and raw and real.

It's been somewhat of a stoning/not thinking/indulgent/all-about-what-I-want-to-do kinda day. Rented 5 movies and bought 1 vcd yesterday. Watched 4 of it today. All in a row. One after another. 1. Underworld Evolution 2. Mistress of Spices 3. Prime 4. She's the Man. An indulgent day of doing nothing except feed my brain with fluff. While in the shower, realized that this was a sign of escapism, of running away from reality. In my case, excessive watching of movies/tv, excessive usage of my laptop, basically excessive doing of anything is a method to distract me and keep my mind off something that's bothering me. In this case, it's to escape from the fear of the unknown.

This trip to Boston? I know it's a dream come true, a great opportunity to become independent, to learn new things... Yet at the same time, I've been hearing so many things about the place that isn't very good. Be careful where you go. Don't go out at night. Be careful who you make friends with. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. And I know that it's a means through which everyone is just showing concern for me. But enough of it please!!

Being a person who is a control freak/sort of a pessimist (I like to think of myself as being realistic), I just can't help but get worried about the whole thing. I mean, I'm going there alone. I have to lug around I-don't-know-how-many-pieces of luggage. I have to take a cab in the middle of the night to a hotel, where I will spend the night by myself. Then I have to move into hall all by myself. I haven't found a church or know anyone there. I don't know if I'm gonna fit in or not. I feel freaking lost!!! Think many of you must be shocked as you read this seeing that I seem excited and all, but believe this is the total honest truth. Don't get me wrong, I want to go for the program. It's just the feelings of uncertainness that I'm experiencing now that’s causing all of this. I hate not knowing what's going to happen. Lord, will be a lesson on faith?

Still so many things to do but yet so little time. God, why do You want me to go there?? I know I'm suppose to be there but I just don't know why. Know that He's with me always and will be with me all the way. But somehow, this head knowledge hasn't become heart knowledge yet. Please keep me in prayer, that I will not fear, that I will walk in obedience and choose to listen to Him.

Have been reading the book of Daniel. Am amazed by Daniel's faithfulness to the Lord, of his spirit of perseverance and his constant decision to honour God in all he did. Sense God saying that even as I go to the US, that I need to be like Daniel, to take the stand to not take part in their sinful ways & to only worship the King of kings. Only then will there be protection & guidance, as there was for Daniel and his friends.

Wow, will I really be able to take that stand and stick by my faith? When testing comes, will I be able to go against what's popular to do what's right? Father, I am but a weak lamb, unable to fend for myself. Please give me the strength to walk in Your light, in Your holiness. Do not let me depart from Your presence but shine Your face upon me and shower me with Your grace and mercy. For with You I can do anything but without You I am nothing. Thank You Lord.

+ AMEN

:charissa sarah seah
:22 yrs old
:princess of God
:auditor
:mother/leader-in-the-making
:rissa_seah@hotmail.com



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